There seems to be a pattern. I’m trying to combat it but it is a hard habit to break. It’s hard to break a pattern that was started to protect myself but turned into a pattern that fears the evolution of my human experience.
If I look to find the root of the problem, I could say it started when I was a little girl and my parents weren’t capable of being parents so I was left with my Grandparents. I could say it started in middle school where I first started experiencing depression and bullying. I could say it started in high school when I only had one boyfriend my sophomore year and then there was no potential suitor beyond that. Along with the fact that dating and having a crush on someone felt like it was against the rules that were instilled in me. I could say it started when I was a freshman in college at 18 coerced into acts I didn’t want. I could say it was when I was a junior in college where I was stepping out into the online dating world and I was berated in argument with my Grandma about why I wouldn’t tell her. I could say all of these things yet they wouldn’t be the root of the problem. Is there even a root to the problem?
I think about all of the ways that I want to grow as an individual beyond the person I am currently, but when I am challenged to grow in certain ways and step beyond my comfort zone self-sabotage steps in to “save the day” but now it’s getting frustrating to the point that I can’t even let myself breathe when trying to move past it. Why is it that I have been having quality conversation with someone since January getting to know one another, but when I’m given the opportunity to meet with them in person I’m met with a deep stomach drop and an aura of fear. My brain is filled with thoughts like what if they don’t like me? what if I’m not what they expected? what if they built a picture of me in their head that is different to what I am in real life? Do “I” even like me? Am I likeable? What is even so special about me? What if they meet someone better?
I am an olympic overthinker, someone who ends things before they get good, and do I have any advice to get better? No. This is overthinking and self-sabotage in all its glory.
I want to be someone who isn’t afraid to go out on a date and one who won’t spill every single traumatic thing to happen to me because I’m afraid if they don’t know it right away they’ll leave once they find out. I want to be someone who isn’t afraid to dress the way I want without fear of judgement from others because I’m taking up too much space in their opinion. I want to be someone who doesn’t make choices based on others desires for my own life. I want to be someone who is confident in their skin and body even if I’m not a size 4. I want to be someone who embraces their femininity and power.
But I’m someone who goes through every scenario in my head for how a conversation could go, just to prepare for any retaliation. I’m someone who gets their head bit off in an argument when I start to get emotional. I’m someone who dreams big with fear that they might never come to fruition. I’m someone who sits alone on the couch hoping I won’t be with just my thoughts for the rest of my life. I’m someone who covers up my skin and showing it makes me uncomfortable, but is it because I’ve been trained to feel that way? I’m someone who fears divorce because in my mind it means someone would have to fall out of love with me, which terrifies me.
Self-Sabotage is the fruit on the forbidden tree , masqueraded as a Discernment, the reliable defense mechanism. But self- sabotage is the evilest of evil poisoning its every victim.
